TOMMY WISEAU, DESPERADO

This was an idea for a six-part digital micro-series I wrote in 20 minutes before a client a meeting in 2014. It’s still one of my favourite things ever to have come from my brain.

(And just in case you’re unfamiliar with Tommy Wiseau, take a look at this primer.)

PART 1: BOTTLE

A person walking along a city street takes a final sip from a bottle of Desperados then drops it on the ground. The dirty litterbug!

But moments later a man wearing a beret comes along and picks the bottle up; he studies it as though seeing it for the first time (and maybe he is). He studies it from many angles, different lights. He loves it! He carefully places it in a bag and continues on his way.

END FRAME: Life needs more Desperados.

PART 2: ART

The man from the previous spot – who is an artist; that’s why he’s wearing a beret – puts the finishing touch to an oil painting of his found bottle of Desperados, which is sitting on a plinth in front of a canvas. He steps back to admire his truly excellent work.

He looks anguished as he laments, “It’s brilliant… but it will never sell.”

END FRAME: Life needs more Desperados.

PART 3: LISA!

A young man and a young woman are in a living room. Man in armchair; woman on sofa. On the wall is the oil painting of the Desperados bottle. The man stands up and says, “I bought you a beautiful painting but you’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”

Their front door opens. Tommy Wiseau walks in.

The man says, “Oh, hi Tommy Wiseau.”

Tommy says, “That’s not how you do it. This is how you do it.” Then very emotively, he screams, “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”

An off-screen voice yells “Cut!”

We pull back and see that this is a commercial set. The director says to Tommy, “That was great , Tommy. Can you do one more, and then right after take a drink of Desperados?”

Tommy: “No, I cannot. I quit this thing.”

Tommy walks off set, the giant set of keys attached to his belt jangling.

END FRAME: Life needs more Desperados.

PART 4: TOMMY

Tommy Wiseau, long hair and bad clothes, speaks directly camera. He’s on the set of the previous commercial; there’s no-one else around.

Tommy: “Desperados wanted me to make an advertisement for Desperados tequila-flavoured beer but I said I didn’t want to it because they wanted me to say the word ‘Desperados’ too many times and to drink Desperados live on camera and then say ‘Desperados’ again for no reason so I said no oh hi, Mark.”

END FRAME: Life needs more Desperados.

PART 5: FOCUS

Tommy Wiseau addresses the camera. He’s halfway through a sentence. “-drink Desperados live on camera but I said no oh hi, Mark.”

We see now that we’re in a market research facility and that a focus group is watching the previous commercial.

FOCUS PERSON 1: I can’t understand what that guy is saying. Is he Russian?

FOCUS PERSON 2: What’s it an ad for?

FOCUS PERSON 3: Dessssperrrr… something.

FOCUS PERSON 4: Ados.

FOCUS PERSON 2: What?

FOCUS PERSON 4: Ados.

FOCUS PERSON 3: What?

FOCUS PERSON 4: Ados!

The door to the room is kicked open. Tommy Wiseau enters; he’s not happy.

TOMMY: “It’s Desperados, you dummies. And I’m not Russian, I’m (possibly) Romanian!”

FOCUS PERSON 1: I still can’t understand that guy.

END FRAME: Life needs more Desperados.

PART 6: EXECUTIVES

A group of executives sit around a large table. They’re consulting papers and asking each other big questions.

EXEC 1: Unmarried males aged 25-40 have difficulty understanding him.

EXEC 2: I don’t care. We’re using him.

EXEC 1: What do we do if we can’t get him?

EXEC 2: Who is he again?

EXEC 3: Tommy Wiseau. He’s that weirdo with the hair who did that thing.

EXEC 1: Could we get someone else? Who else could we get? We need someone with hair.

The meeting room door opens:

Tommy W: “Stop! I will do your Desperados ad – for 20 million euros!”

EXEC 1: We can give you five thousand.

TOMMY W (laughs madly for no reason): “Okay okay I will do it. But only because I need the money oh hi Mark.”

END FRAME: Life needs more Desperados.