I’m a Poser, Baby

You know me: I have a strong, proud, dimpled chin and a clean lantern jaw; I rarely leave the house less than 48 hours after a shave; I have clear blue eyes which look you right in the eye and seem to say, “Hello, it’s autumn. Why don’t you and I take a nice walk in a park somewhere?”; there is usually a faint smile playing on my lips that suggests I’ve had a pleasant thought about ice-cream, or perhaps an infant; in my world it’s always the weekend and very often you’ll see blurry horses in the background, leathery mounds of polo gear tossed at my feet, perhaps even a mallet gripped in my large hands (note my fingernails – clipped, squared-off and clean); I like to hang out with other men who are slightly less handsome than me, pointing at things in the far off distance which no-one else can see…

Hi. I’m a male catalogue model.

You know me: I hook my finger into sport jacket and fling it over my shoulder, usually my right one. But recently, instead of my index finger, I will hook my thumb into the little tag and make a nice fist with my four fingers. It looks better than the claw I am left with if I use my index finger. I borrowed this technique, called the ‘thumb hook technique’, from Jim White, who used to be a male catalogue model like me but went crazy and became a cult musician with a wild look in his eyes that would alarm viewers of most popular catalogues. I have no plans to become a musician. I’m happy being a male catalogue model. It’s nice.

Only very occasionally will you see a wedding ring on my finger; usually only if there’s a pretty – but not gorgeous or sexy – blonde woman nearby, clutching a bouquet of flowers and smiling at me as though I just gave her those flowers, which I may have. If I did, how nice of me. Mostly, though, there’s no wedding ring so it’s safe to assume that I’m unattached, maybe because I’m a widower or maybe for some other reason.

You know me… sometimes I like to be casual. I’ll wear a jumper with an argyle pattern on it and leave a shirttail ever so slightly untucked. I’ll pull on a pair of jeans or chinos or slacks, and my hair will have a faintly mussed-up look. My slacks sometimes have a thing on them called a ‘self-belt’ and can be made of a substance called ‘twill’, in a color called ‘fallow’ or ‘musteline’. I dress like this if I’m going on a chicken-and-champagne picnic with some other people in the background by a river or in a field of wild flowers. I like doing that. It’s nice.

Occasionally I like to curl up on a large, comfortable couch and look at a picture in a magazine or at the words on the pages of a book. One of my feet might even be actually on the couch but you can see that there’s no dirt on the soles of my shoes, so it’s okay. Sometimes a small dog will leap into my lap and I’ll smile and mess with him a little. His name might be Ruffy and he is probably a terrier.

Every so often I have to go to an office and study plans laid out on large tables. I will wear a tie and carry a mobile phone and try to look concerned about something, perhaps the plans I am studying, or maybe that I am late for a (probably important) meeting and don’t know what to have for lunch. I don’t like going to the office. I get confused.

At night I’ll relax with a hot cup of something and slip into a Cape Portland burgundy plaid robe (item #8876). The comfortable, traditional styling includes a shawl collar, three patch pockets, turn-back cuffs and a generous 72 inch belt. The robe is crafted from the softest pure virgin wool so it feels great against my skin. It’s machine washable and made in a country where people are not exploited for labour. Then I’ll probably stare at something for a while before going to bed in preparation for another day standing near a car or collecting wood on the outskirts of a forest.

I’m a male catalogue model. It was nice meeting you. I hope you see me again soon.