LETTER FROM NIGERIA

Dear Kind Gentleman (Lady if applyable),

My name is Dr Judge Julius Ulawewe, Phd, Esq (hons), director in charge of Contract Review and Asset Awardments for the Trustworthy Bank of Nigereria (TBN). Your excellent name was supplied to me by the chamber of commerce of your most able country. Heretotherefore I solicit your assistantation and superconfidence in this urgently exciting Business Transaction which is very honorable and fabulous.

Several score and many years ago members the previous and former military governments of our proud nation set up phantom companies and awarded themselves mighty contracts in a variousness of muncipial areaux: the building of roads; the forceful up-sucking of oil from deep inside the earth’s sanctum; and the cleaning of terrifically many windows here in downtown Lagos.

The recentness of time has revealed that these were men of scurrilous inclination and there remains an oversurplus of monies (U.S dollars) in the accounts of these haunted companies. It is my esteemed and deeply official duty to transfer 107 million dollars (U.S dollars) to an overthesea bank account and to this ending I solicitly urgent your grateful assistantation. Your fee will be in the amount of 3.5 million dollars – however it is with the utmost tastefulness that I and my colleagues at the Trustworthy Bank of Nigeria require strenuous financial informations from you or your ladywife (manhusband if so be it you are reading this and a lady). Within seventy-one hours of receiving this missive, please do fax me your bank account number and other bona fides – such as credit card and taxation numbers and passport face – and I will make the severe arrangements for the telegraphic solar transfer of U.S funds to you. I am very excited peering at these very exciting Business Plans and may I say that already it is pleasuring me to be engaged in business with you (or your wife if you are her husband).

The funds in question will be thoroughly washed before transferrance to ensure a clean, safe arrival in your bank account which I require immediate details of forthwith. Please incorporate your signature several times in all documents including one page consisting solely of your signature in a pleasing variety and number of sizes. This is for official TBN bank use only and not something you should worry about only do. Without trust, sincere sincerity and honesty as transparent as a window in Lagos (downtown area), this fantastical opportunity will remain an unactualised fantasy, bringing shame and ruin on all concerned, particularly you. Of course, it is well digested by me and my eminent colleagues that you are a person who considers shame and ruin shameful, ruinous and extremely devilish. Your name was furnitured to us as a person of non-devilish inclinements. It is our winsome obligation to have business relations with only the most venereal and trusted of partners. It is without saying that we trust you, as it is without understanding you trust us.

At some point pending the reception of your details we will require a Payment of Faith from you in the amount of not less but with swelling potential to be more than $25,000 U.S dollars (U.S). As well as a displayment of Faith, these luscious monies will cover the nefarious costs of administration at our end. It will surely not be a startle to you to discover that a business such as ours is extravagant to run: frequent, extremely official trips up to Sokoto, chlorine and filters for the secretarial pool, and terrifying window-washing costs are just a meagre sampling of the things over our heads. Do not even mention bribes!

I must also supplicate from you, dear person, a four bedrooms apartment duplex for family usage and potential purchase upon my arrivation in your country, which I trust is a most sunny and comfortable one. It is my delicious intention to arrive in the country of your residence very soon after the fundal transferrance of these reverberant monies. Also, in axiomatic addition, a car with conditionable air would be splendorous. I derive much enjoyment from the color blue.

I rereiterate my fallowness in this egregious Business Matter and in closing mention that I am very tall. Height is a highly steamed and abundantly positive quality in my country. I hope it is in yours, too, although if a generosity of circumference is stared upon favorably, I will begin work on my physical expansion at once. Should you require further details and information from myself and/or my estimated colleagues, please do not to ask.

I look forward to reaming your response.

Dr Julius Uwalele (Prof.)