LAFFS LAST

Dear Sirs,

Re: your inside back page column ‘Laffs Last’. Why do you refuse to publish the humor pieces I submit? They are hilarious!! I realise that everybody’s sense of humor is “different”, but mine is the “good” kind. I have a handy way with the pun and am well-equipped with a broad range of quips (equipped/quips – get it!?), however my true forte is with literary slapstick. I think you may be aware of this, but probably don’t “get” it! Give me a footpath, an ordinary human man, a banana peel and watch the magic happen. IE. A guy with thick bi-focals is strolling along with his head to the sky. Maybe he is whistling a whimsical tune (for pathos!!) and wearing a humorously-colored plaid jacket (exact colors TBC) for a funny visual element. Are you with me!? Can you see where this is going!? He is walking along twirling his cane (I added the cane because I am always thinking of improvements!!) completely oblivious to the banana peel which lies in wait yellowly (Is that a word? It is now!!). So there he is, walking, twirling and whistling and having a nice time. Then suddenly BANG! he slips on the banana peel and falls right on his ass!!! If that is not comic “dyno-mite” which is funny on many levels, then “excuuuuuse me”. (NOTE: To add extra “punch” there could be a bird which poops on the man’s head. Then he rolls his eyes as if to say, ‘Why me!??’ But not in a bitter or angry way!! Bitterness and anger are never funny!)

That is just one of several hundred comic scenarios or “ideas” I have conceived and typed out. Others include a matronly dowager who gets into a variety of scrapes whilst walking her dog (a Pekingese); some drunks who fall off bar stools very often in a short period of time; and a man who cannot say the word ‘Ceaucescu’ without spitting a lot. Every one is a guaranteed side-splitter!! Also, I have done some very good work using overweight people.

You probably think that this sort of humor went out with the death of Jackie (Gleason, not the former First Lady who was never a comedic figure may she rest in peace), but the ordinary Joe does not agree with you. Most people don’t like so-called “intellectual” humor with its “clever” references and “in” jokes. They fear what they don’t understand! Are you trying to frighten people when you should be soothing them with humor’s gentle balm !!? Because that is exactly what you are doing. Be warned – people will not tolerate it for much longer. In the words of that fat English lady, ‘We are not so amused as you probably think we might be!!’

Accordingly, I am including a list of good, funny, ordinary topics and elements you should consider as “comic fodder”.

·      Hats

·      Foreign accents/national dress

·      Hospitals, esp. bandages and the cold metal part on the stethoscope

·      Animals who make droll remarks about various things

·      Current affairs – but nothing too obscure or smutty. (NB. Do not try and make a joke out of currant affairs, as people will not understand what you are getting at! Puns should not be your raisin d’etre!! That was a pun.)

·      A guy who cannot say a certain (humorous) word without doing a certain (humorous) thing

·      Banana peels (as I have shown)

·      Other people

·      Tickling

Although the list is practically endless, I am not giving away all my secrets for free! But since these hints are “on me”, I expect to see many, if not all of my suggestions appearing in these pages in the very near future! Come on you people!! Get serious about comedy!!!

Yours etc

PS If you are interested in the lost art of comic riddle, I have approximately 10,000 going cheap. Call me!!