Pop Quiz

(published in 'The Best of McSweeney's Humor' anthology. Knopf 2004)

Who’s That Girl? Madonna

I’m not sure. Is it Rosanna Arquette? Or one of her sisters? It kind of looks like Rosanna, but why would she be hanging out here?

Who Let the Dogs Out? Baha Men

That little bastard Timmy from next door. But what can you expect with parents like his? I think the father spent some time in Attica or Raiford or somewhere like that.

Who’s That Girl? Eurythmics

I think it’s Rosanna Arquette. Or Patricia. Is there another Arquette sister because if there is maybe it’s her.

Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers

Well, it’s easier for them than us intellectuals. They have lower standards about pretty much everything. Food, lovers, cigarettes, everything. I pity fools, I really do. Hey, did I sound like Mr. T just then?

Where Have All the Flowers Gone? Pete Seeger

They were taken by truck at dawn to a wholesale market and sold at inflated prices to retailers who will in turn sell them at inflated prices to people like you and me. That’s pure capitalism, my friend, pure capitalism.

What’s It All About, Alfie? Dionne Warwick

It’s about growing up and trying to face your emotional responsibilities. That and chasing trim.

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight? Lonnie Donnegan

No, it’s that new Stimorol. Man, that stuff is strong. Here, check out my breath.

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me? Bellamy Brothers

If I told you that while I do indeed have lovely contours the skin on my back is quite horribly scarred would you still want me to hold my beautiful body against you? Unless you meant would I resent you for giving me a compliment, then I apologize and just forget that stuff about the scars.

What Are You Doing Sunday? Tony Orlando

Church. If I don’t have a hangover. But I’ll probably have a hangover.

Will You Be Staying After Sunday? Peppermint Rainbow

If I don’t go to church or have a hangover, I’m getting the first bus back to the city. Your parents are driving me fucking nuts. But I’ll probably have a hangover.

Who Killed Delores? City Boy

Regrettably, the case remains unsolved.

How Is Julie? The Lettermen

She’s well. She got that job at Morgan Stanley she was hoping for and her and Jim have set a date, finally, and everything seems to be going really well for both of them. Although just between you and me, I think Jim’s still tomcatting with his secretary. Don’t tell Julie, though, it’d kill her. Oh, I almost forgot, she said to say hi.

Why Didn't Rosemary? Deep Purple

Why didn’t she what? What sort of a question is that?

Do You Love As Good As You Look? Bellamy Brothers

You again!?

What Will Mary Say? Johnny Mathis

We’ll break it to her gently and hopefully she’ll be mature about it. But my guess is she’ll scream something along of the lines of, “You bastards, how could you?” You know her weakness for cliches when she’s hysterical. God, this is gonna be awful. Let’s tell her tomorrow.

Why? Why? Why? Ray Smith

Ray, Ray, Ray – do we have to keep going over this? If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. Because. And this has nothing to do with me and Johnny and Mary, by the way, so don’t get all paranoid.

Why Can't I Be You? The Cure

Well, the position’s filled. Besides, you’re very good at being you. Not many guys can get away with lipstick the way you do.

What Have I Done To Deserve This? Pet Shop Boys & Dusty Springfield

You denied your sexuality for too long, Dusty.

Can I Touch You… There? Michael Bolton

Not as long as you… keep on releasing albums like ‘My Secret Passion: The Arias’. And that haircut you used to have is still kind of hard to forgive. So the answer’s no.

Who Are You? The Who

Do you want to know my name? Or, like, who I really am?

Ain’t That A Bitch? Johnny ‘Guitar’ Watson

No, I think it’s a male.

D’You Know What I Mean? Oasis

Not really. What exactly is a wonderwall?

D’Ya Think I’m Sexy? Rod Stewart

Oh come off it! Are you with the Bellamy Brothers?

Are You Experienced? Jimi Hendrix

Not in the area you specifically require, but I’m a fast learner. I know people say that about themselves all the time but I really am. Really.

How Do You Talk To An Angel? Heights

Very slowly. Most of them are kind of stupid.

Who Can It Be Now? Men At Work

Probably the UPS guy. They said they’d be here between noon and six. What’s it now – around four?

Are You Lonesome Tonight? Elvis Presley

I’m lonely most nights, Elvis. I just can’t seem to make friends here. I shouldn’t have left Ingrid back in Plaistow but, God, her parents were really driving me crazy. I hit the bottle pretty hard for a while because it was the only way I could stand to be around them. It’s just so difficult to meet people – normal people – in this city. Most nights I just sit at home watching TV or thinking about stuff. Sometimes I call a friend back in Plaistow and see what’s up.

Do you know the way to San Jose? Burt Bacharach

Yes.

Where Did it all Go Wrong? Oasis

I’d say almost immediately after ‘What’s the Story Morning Glory?’ That’s an obvious answer, and quite glib, I realize, but it’s true. Boy, is it true.

Will You Marry Me? Paula Abdul

Well I probably would if it wasn’t for the fact that you were once married to Emilio Estevez and I just can’t stand that guy. I’d be thinking about you and him all the time.

Would I Lie To You? Eurythmics

Well you’ve lied to me on numerous occasions before, so I wouldn’t be surprised. That bullshit about Rosanna Arquette being at the club that night with you and Madonna was just bullshit and that’s a perfect example of the way you lie to me. Probably to everyone.