FUN LOVIN' CRIMINAL

Dear Inmate Penpal (# 8076WJ),

I was immensely pleased to read in your personal ad that you are a free-spirited, fun, loving, sincere, non-judgemental and outgoing young Christian seeking a match for your interests. I, too, enjoy dancing and singing, and music touches my soul as well. Like you, I also love the outdoors, taking long walks on the beach and candle light dinners. With regard to the last two pleasures, I can’t help wondering where exactly you’re imprisoned – is it some kind of Devil’s Island sort of deal, only with better catering? (Please let me know as I may be slightly more inclined to commit crimes if I, too, can end up somewhere like that.)

Not having spent much time behind bars, I am probably not as ‘sexually versatile’ as you mention you are but I am willing to take a good long look at my inhibitions in this area, particularly if forced to. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if things do work out between us – and presuming you are eventually paroled – would I have to spring for a bunk in the bedroom or would a ‘civilian’ bed (queen size) be all right? If we have to go for a bunk bed, you can take the top one. Or the bottom if that’s your preference. I don’t want to fight about it. At this point, I may as well say that I have space in the bathroom for a toothbrush-shiv and a gun carved out of soap. So pack all your ‘toiletries’!

You write that you are very “loyal and family oriented” – these are good qualities. However, it would help me to know if the sort of ‘family’ you are referring to is the kind which has a mother and father, and perhaps kids as well, or one that features underbosses, bosses and more sudden disappearances than usual. I do not have a family myself but am willing to start or join one, and am comfortable being called either ‘Dad’ or ‘Fat Connie’.

By the way, I am happy to start referring to the kitchen bench as the ‘chow-line’ if that will make your transition to ‘the straight life’ any easier. The yard is already called ‘the yard’.

I feel we have so much in common – like you, my ‘pet peeves’ are liars and cheats –  but at the same time there’s so much to get to know about each other. You’ll probably have a lot of questions about me (my age, weight, height and so on), just as I do about you. For instance, exactly what was this ‘one time mistake’ you made that put you away for so long? Are you are murderer? If so, whom did you kill? A copper? A stranger? Your spouse? (I don’t want to sound square, but I really hope it’s not the latter.) Perhaps you’re a bank robber. If so, good for you; we all want to stick it to the banks but precious few of us have your convictions where that’s concerned, no pun intended. Did some liar and/or cheat cross you and you couldn’t let them get away with it and one thing led to another and here you are behind bars? It really doesn’t matter; I’m interested in what’s inside the person, not what the person’s inside for. (Unless you’re a spouse-killer, then I would be quite interested in that. But not in a judgemental way.)

Another thing I’m curious about – you mention that you’re now in your mid-30s, so, with good behaviour, approximately how old will you be when you get out? And without good behaviour? (Again, I am not trying to be judgemental here but if you’re, say, 100, when you’re released we might not have that much time left.)

I’m interested that you describe yourself as a Christian. I am not an especially religious person and I truly hope this won’t get in the way of our relationship. If you’re troubled by my lack of faith it might be worth remembering that I haven’t committed any major crimes, which probably makes us even in the eyes of the Lord, judgement-wise.

Finally, I hear that on the inside the roses grow – they don’t mind the stony ground – but is it true that the roses there are really prisoners, too?

I look forward to reading your reply. (If it’s going to involve lemon juice, let me know beforehand!)

Non-judgementally yours,

Sean

PS Nice photo – shapeless denim looks good on you!

PPS Seriously, did you kill your spouse?